


Horrifyingly Human

by orphan_account



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, ouchies, sad kieran, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:28:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25875136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Once again, implied/referenced self harm, please don’t read if you don’t want to/can’t handle itPretty much just Kieran being sad
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Horrifyingly Human

**Author's Note:**

> Listen to whatever sad song y’all want to ✨enhance✨ The experience but I strongly recommend Va by Ryan Roth
> 
> Also it’s not beta read so excuse mistakes

Kieran had never felt truly human, a part of him always knew he’d become something far worse. Maybe that’s why he became an assassin. But, if he wasn’t human, what was he?

He knew that being human wasn’t something that came without flaws, that you could still be considered human even if you had done something horrid, but Kieran was past that point.

In every place the Purple Hyacinth was mentioned, he was painted as a monster. A heartless beast who tore through the streets with no care as to who he hurt. He supposed a part of that was true, he was a beast, and he’d kill with no hesitation. That didn’t mean he never regretted what his actions. 

Kieran had contemplated whether he deserved to live many times, most when he was coated in blood. He’d think it over while he was washing himself, wondering what it would feel like to put his head under the water and stay there. He’d done it a couple times, but he’d decided that someone stumbling across his naked body was not how he wanted to be remembered. When he was cleaning his sword, he’d hesitate, simply staring at the edges, imagining it running smoothly through his skin, causing blood to come rushing out, making his skin feel warm. 

More times than Kieran would like to admit, he’d cut himself, most times on accident, while cleaning his sword. He’d watch as the blood dripped down, he was sort of glad it was still visible and unchanged from how it had been years before, and remained red throughout the years as he grew into more of a monster. It was the same as everyone else’s. No matter how many sins you’d commit, your blood would still run red. 

He had let himself rot in his own head so many times it felt normal. He deserved this pain, he’d inflicted the same on so many people, Lauren was enough proof of that. She was angry, and he was sorry.

Kieran tried to capture humanity as much as he could. He’d draw it and keep it locked away, safe from danger. It was precious to him, and memories alone could not fulfill his need to prove that being human was beautiful.

But he was not human.

So why did he feel he was when he was with Lauren? She made him feel real, it was addicting. She’d made him feel a sense of calm that rested right in his ribcage, and it slowly took over his body until he felt content. He’d never felt that before, at least not with a person. 

The night he’d sewn up her wound, her blood on his fingers, he’d felt at peace. He was there in the moment, and that’s all he needed to make him feel human.

She’d slept in his bed, been in his apartment, and she didn’t think twice. She’d slept where a monster lived.

Perhaps that’s why he stayed away, he was uncomfortable feeling what a normal person would, so he stayed trapped in his comfort zone.

Maybe that’s why he stayed with the Phantom Scythe, other than the fact they’d probably kill him if he tried to leave. He wanted to ensure that he was what he was always destined to be. Being who he was was comfortable, although not entirely legal. 

When he’d killed all the people at the tower, as he’d dropped the last hyacinth, he felt the last drop of feeling leave him. Hyacinths were graceful in a way Kieran could never capture quite right if he tried, yet somehow, Lauren reminded him perfectly of the grace and elegance they portrayed.

He’d choked her. He didn’t mean to, at least part of him didn’t, but he did. She was beginning to see how horrifyingly human he really was. He needed to prove to her that he was dangerous.

No matter how hard Kieran tried, after that night, nothing looked right to him. The colors were all messed up, and in the place where the sun should’ve shone, there was darkness. 

He was back. His mind was back to convincing him that he wasn’t who he pretended to be. In the daylight he remained a monster, vicious and merciless. 

In the dark he had no fears, for he was the monster that lurked in your closet, under your bed, waiting for the right moment to strike.

His mind beat at him more than Lauren ever could, every second of the day it reminded him of things he already knew, that no matter how much he tried, he’d never be loved. Not by Lauren, not by himself, not by anyone.

Because he was unlovable.

There was a grace he could not capture, a feeling too far from him that he could not reach no matter how far he reached. He couldn’t remember a time where someone had touched him with pure love, nothing lying underneath other than more and more love that he could lose himself in. 

He just wanted to be held, hoped that maybe, just maybe, at some point in his life he’d be held for twenty minutes straight and that’s all they’d do. They don’t try to look at his face, or pull away. All they do is wrap him in their arms and hold him tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it. 

But he knew that’d never happen. He’d never be someone’s soft place to land, and he’d never have someone to be there for him.

He’d never have someone to hang the moon up for, someone to make the dark times easier, and someone to make the ugly parts of life beautiful. 

He was angry. Lauren made him feel something again, and he’d screwed it up. She’d gotten him addicted to feeling real. He hated it. He hated it. He hated it.

The only times he felt important was when he was killing. He was needed, not for good, but he was still needed. Every time the news came out after a killing, he was filled with pride. Not for what he’d done, but because he was recognized. People were feeling something because of him, and that was enough. Whether it was hatred, fear, or disgust, it was something to hold onto at night.

Kieran felt something warm roll down his face. They were tears. He was crying. He put his head in his hands and sobbed. For hours on end. He was surrounded by darkness, the only thing accompanying him was his own thoughts. 

He was scared. He hadn’t felt fear in years, so why was he scared? This didn’t make sense. 

But then again, nothing made sense anymore.

Birdsong is what he woke up to in the morning. He was no longer surrounded by darkness, he was laying in his bed. He sat up and got dressed. He opened his front door and walked to the only place where peace became his friend.

He was surprised to find Lauren. She was sitting underneath a tree, her head tilted up and looking at the branches above her.

Kieran made himself known by stepping on the freshly fallen autumn leaves. She looked over at him and let a look of book fear and gratefulness wash over her. 

He waited, standing near her. He didn’t know what he was waiting for exactly. An invitation, maybe?

Lauren gently patted next to her, and Kieran sat down, far enough to give her the space she needed, but close enough that their backs were resting against the same tree.

She gently took his hand, holding it firmly, but not enough to hurt. It was forgiveness. He was forgiven.

He let a small tear drip down his face. He was human again, if only for the time they spent there. 

But then he opened his eyes. He was still in the dark, sitting on his living room floor. He held himself tightly, crying harder than he ever had before. 

He tried his best to hold onto the small amount of warmth he gained, but he was cold. The more he thought about it, the more he froze it.

He could only be human in his wildest dreams, and Kieran had to come to terms with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for indulging me and reading this, it was basically just one huge word vomit, also I’m sorry it’s not cursed to those of y’all who enjoy it (for some reason ??? Idk why) :(


End file.
